Olympic Transition
Within minutes of singing Stand Tall for the first time publicly at The Cloud in 2012, I was censored by a member of the NZOC. They walked quickly beside me as I walked to TVNZ interviews outside The Cloud, giving instructions to ‘not talk about my mental health history’. So when the TVNZ reporter asked if I was comfortable talking about mental distress, I said “yes of course”. Because it’s crucial that our experiences are not as invisible as we are.
It wasn’t long til the song was buried deep, not shared, invisible.
I don’t know if that was the reason, but it was the beginning of the end of standing tall with Stand Tall. I heard second hand that it was ‘political’ but I’m unsure what that means and have never been given an explanation. Political re my very ordinary history of mental distress? Or because I was busking on Queen Street and that wasn’t the desired look? Perhaps the media attention I got was more than they expected and they preferred the song to not be connected to ‘someone like me’. Or was it that they didn’t understand that ‘Stand Tall’ is a metaphor - and they freaked out after comedy show 7 Days made a joke about Stand Tall and the Paralympic’s?
The conclusion that I tend to make though, is that the song I wrote was just shit and I was the interpersonally challenged arsehole that couldn’t navigate a group of people if my life depended on it. Like many artists I am ADHD, an experience of the world that is highly misunderstood and often dismissed, particularly for anyone that is female, or trans but socialised as female. I was undiagnosed and triggered by many things. I was drowning. So I acknowledge I wouldn’t have been the easiest person to navigate at times. But I also am very reasonable when I am treated reasonably and with respect.
Back home when I asked what the issue was with Stand Tall - the NZ Olympic Song for the London 2012 Olympics, I was dismissed, ignored and it was suggested that I was ungrateful for the opportunity to travel to London and perform at Whitehall. In response I suggested that they got a fairly decent song and a very hearty moment at the Governor Generals Dinner in London when I spoke and sang. This was validated at the time, when Sir Jerry Mateparae came over to thank me, which allowed me in turn to apologise for not acknowledging him properly in my mihi. My Te Reo Māori was in its earliest stage.
With ‘Stand Tall’ rejected as the Olympic Song, I am very happy for it to begin its own transition via another animated music video to shed light on transphobia. It actually moves easily away from Olympic themes because the lyrics weren’t inspired by athletes. I wrote the song about the internal battle, how trauma breaks us and healing strengthens us. I wrote about the distress and the strength and determination I’ve seen and known, that is also often censored, scapegoated, and gaslit.
Nobody gets to make us feel shame for having times of being strong enough to not be strong.
Perhaps it is actually their projected shame to own, it sure as hell ain’t ours.
Sam RB
